Riki Anne Wilchins

i've only had one menstrual period
i lost a pint and a quarter of blood
betray your family
betray your friends
betray the doctors you will use to make you well
the first step is to lie
the first step is to hurt
the first cut is made just behind the glans penis
it must hurt like hell
if you're not anesthetized
i awoke in the Recovery Room
and the gowned and masked nurse asked me where i was
i knew i was in the Cleveland Clinic
i knew she was testing my orientation
"Switzerland", i replied
i couldn't see through her white mask
if she smiled
i knew that i had a vagina then
i was deathly afraid to feel between my legs
to send my consciousness down there
i was numb anyway
when i awoke
my family and friends were around my bed
i was back in my room
24 hrs earlier i had been in that room wide awake
the night nurse had given me two enemas
i had been told to wash in the shower cubicle
with Betadine Scrub
do you know
Betadine Scrub is like iodine
it is sanitizing and it is
blood red
i had to wash from my chest to my knees
i watched it run down my body past
my genitals
into the drain and through the pipes
i thought about my first period as it flowed like
blood over my thighs
i thought about feeling
this penis
one last time
was i sure
i walked back to my room

the second step is insanity
the world is crazy
i hurt deep and fast
i am cut so much worse than by
the doctors' knives
- i am a man in drag.
- i can never be a real woman
- i am a surgically altered male.
- i am fascinating.
- i am different.
- i am so special.
-you want me to know you consider me a woman.
- i am so feminine.
- i am so authentic.
- you cannot imagine me a man.
- you are so comfortable with me.
- i am not at all like another transexual you met.
- why i am just like you.
- i need to be more tolerant.
- i need understand.
- it takes time for people to get used to me.
- as long as i'm happy that what really counts.
You're not welcome in this bar.
You're not welcome in this party.
You're not welcome in my home.
This is a women-only space.
Is it true that you're really a man?
I think transexuals are so interesting.
When did you first realize you wanted to be a woman?
(silence)
I mean, when did you finally reach your decision?
there was no decision
I mean, you had to have such courage to face surgery.
is it courageous for a person with disabled legs to want to walk
So why did you do it?
i was going to suck on the exhaust pipe of my Datsun one night
i decided to try my other option first
Well, you must tell me about it sometime.

the third step is isolation
i bleed quietly in isolation
the Betadine Scrub is still flowing down the drain